That's how I feel. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's probably how Carrie feels. I love roller coasters though. Well, let me rephrase that. I love actual roller coasters. I do not like the one that we are on right now. I'd really be fine not to have the constant screaming in my head and I'd really like to skip out on watching tears coming down my son's face and hearing his heartbreaking cry. People have been telling me that I'm holding up well. Looks can be deceiving. Yes, I know that things are getting better and I know that Lincoln is doing so so good. He's improving and taking giant steps each day. That doesn't make it easier. I can't stand to see him so sad and in so much pain. It kills me each time but I have to be strong for him. I have to be strong for Carrie too. I don't feel like I am.
I'm not writing this to have anyone feel sorry for me. I'm mostly writing this for myself. It helps me to write down how I'm feeling. I'm also writing this to look back on one day. I know that some of the memories aren't particularly awesome but I want to show this to Lincoln when he needs it so he knows that he can do hard things. I'll need to see it so I know that I can do hard things. Lastly, I have been posting small updates on FaceBook but many people don't know the whole story. Rather than write a giant post on social media, I feel I'd better write a long post on our blog seeing as it has been lacking in the post department lately. I actually had a good portion of this post typed up on my iPad already but when I went to update it after the embarrassing Super Bowl, it was gone. Just one more thing, right? Deep breaths. That helps.
Ok, we aren't sure exactly when this problem began. Technically, we do. He was born with it but the problem never reared its ugly head until sometime in November. There may have been a few times before that but the downhill spiral really started in the end November. One night, Lincoln started telling us that he didn't feel good. He may have eaten some egg (which he is allergic too) and so Carrie and I knew the drill. He would be uncomfortable for a while and eventually he would throw up, fall asleep and it would be done with. We knew it was going to be a long night. It most definitely was. Once he threw up, he went to sleep. Carrie and I managed to fall asleep just in time for us to hear him screaming again in pain. What was supposed to only be one long night turned into a long few days. We were so confused. It looked like he had gotten all the egg out of his system but he was still sick. Then one day he woke up and he was fine. He was happy. He was running around and being his rambunctious little self... til a week or so later.
This was a common scene during his episodes
This was beginning to be a trend. He sickness started lasting longer than a few days and the time in between each episode was getting shorter. Kerry Welch, Carrie's step-dad and our family doctor, told us we should think about having him do a GI scan with barium to check for blocking. We didn't think that was going to be necessary because Lincoln would be fine. He would have normal bowel movements when he was feeling well and everything else seemed fine.
Last week it started to get worse. He was sleeping less and in was in more discomfort than he had been. We still weren't excited for doing the scan and Kerry was at a conference so we decided to take him to a friend of his who is a pediatrician. He asked us some questions and said that it could be that Lincoln has Giardia along with possibly an allergy to gluten and/or dairy. If any of you know my boy, you know that he LOVES to eat and boy can this kid put it away! His favorite foods include but are not limited to: smoothies(made with some plain yogurt), yogurt by itself, cottage cheese, string cheese and veggies. Try telling a kid that eats almost as much as we do that he can't eat his favorite foods and he won't understand why.
Lincoln felt better for about one day, maybe two. Then it got REALLY bad. I think it was last Monday night that it started all again. We were still so confused at this point. Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday were terrible. Carrie and I would take turns wrestling and uncomfortable boy in bed while the other slept. We just wanted him to sleep! We wanted him to feel better and get all the bad stuff out of his system. He would fall asleep for 10 - 20 minutes and then wake up crying and saying, "Tummy hurts!". We wore thin. We broke down at times. We weren't as patient as we wish we would have been because we simply didn't know what was going on.
Thursday morning Carrie sent me a message and said he was still feeling so sick. We decided that we needed to talk to the pediatrician so Carrie made an appointment for the morning. While at the doctor's office, Lincoln threw up all over the floor. His stomach had had enough. They said that they needed to do some tests at the hospital and we could either take him home after that or leave him at the hospital with an I.V.. When Carrie told me that I knew right away that he needed to be at the hospital. He had to have the I.V. because he hadn't been keeping anything down. It just felt right to me. So I left work a few hours early and went to meet them at the hospital. We had no idea that we would not be heading home in the near future.
Once we checked in they started doing the tests. He had an ultrasound. They found nothing. He had an x-ray. They found nothing. He then had a scan done with iodine ( I think). They found something. It took a while for them to go over everything. Lincoln had his I.V. in and we were just waiting for some news. The doctor came in and this is kind of how the conversation went:
Doctor: Hey guys how's it going?
Carrie: We've just had such a fun day and we are ready for it to be over. (The sarcasm was a little thick)
Doctor: Well it's about to get more fun. They found that Lincoln's intestine is twisted and we are going to fly him up to Primary Children's Hospital and he's going to have surgery tonight.
My first thought was, "What's wrong with my boy and will he be ok?" My next thought was, "How the devil am I going to afford that helicopter ride? How will afford any of this?" I was more concerned about Lincoln, but the thought of all the expenses was there in the back of my mind.
They wanted to fly him up because this was going to be an emergency surgery and it was prime time for rush hour and the weather wasn't very good. He needed it fixed. His condition was called Malrotation with volvulus. Basically when he was born part of his intestine was secured properly and it was able to twist and untwist. That's why he would go from being normal to sick back to normal again. This is normally caught in babies and infants but because his would flip back to normal, we didn't notice the problem til it got really bad. It needed to be operated on ASAP in case the blood circulation had been cut off. They were afraid that the part that was kinked/twisted would die and that would be bad news bears.
The helicopter ride didn't end up happening. The cloud coverage was too much and they couldn't see to land safely. So Lincoln got to ride in an ambulance. He was so brave. His momma rode with him to keep him company and I drove up to meet him there.
We were so lucky to have Carrie's mom be with us most of the day in American Fork hospital. She was so helpful. When I told my mom about Lincoln heading up to Primary she said that she would go up to meet him there. I asked her to bring my dad so we could give Lincoln a Priesthood blessing right before surgery.
I got to the hospital just in time for the G.I. scan. They had to give him barium through a tube in his nose. It was rough. I had to hold him down and he was so uncomfortable. It was miserable for him and it was miserable for me. But I remember looking at the screen as they were doing it and you could see it in plain site. There was the cause of this nightmare. There was the twist in his bowel. That settled it. They were definitely doing the surgery. So Carrie grabbed my parents and we went into a little room and I gave him a blessing. That's when all my emotions came out. That's when everything caught up to me. That's when I fully understand what was going on. I said his name and that was it for a few moments. I was so choked up. My little boy was going to be operated on. It was terrifying. I managed to give him the blessing even though I cried through the whole thing. Then we handed him to the anesthesiologist. As he was leaving, Lincoln reached his hand out for me. I gave it a squeeze and then we were ushered into the waiting room.
I was comforted. I knew things were going to be ok. I wanted to find anything I could to keep my mind distracted so I wouldn't count the seconds until he was out of surgery. My mom was there with us which was very helpful. She has had so much experience with this that she was able to share with us. Finally we received a call and we were told that the tissue was not dead and they wouldn't have to remove any of it. That was such a relief!!!
The surgery finally ended and we got to see our little man. He was so peaceful laying in his bed and I knew that he was going to be ok.
Right after surgery
So here we are sitting in room 3074 at Primary Children's. I wouldn't want to be in any other hospital. They are so great here and everything is all about the kids. And my boy is doing so good. It's hard. Every day there is pain but he is on the mend and he's making great strides.
In the toy room. It's good for him to be up and moving around.
I'm blown away by the kindness of all our friends and family. I know that their prayers and thoughts have helped us get through this. I feel it. I'm thankful for every kind word, every message, every gift, every act of kindness. My heart is full. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My little man is a fighter. If he can make it through, so can I.We can do hard things.
He wanted to stay in his wagon and watch a movie
He built a tower with Grandpa Paul!
I love this picture. He was so tired and just wanted to snuggle his momma and his dog, Olaf.
1 comment:
He is so stinkin cute! What an ordeal. Sorry you all had to go through that. But like you said, you can do hard things and they make us stronger. Love you guys!
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